wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
