You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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