Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
