her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
