I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
