i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
