And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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