i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
