Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
