Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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