If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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