sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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