Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
