it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
