shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
