i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
