So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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