1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
