that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
