We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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