So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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