party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
