I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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