community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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