Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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