it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
