i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
