so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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