I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize