they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
