The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize