How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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