I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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