Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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