Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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