you traded sex for a burrito?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
