I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
