So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
