You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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