Umm I'm too high to move.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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