Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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