Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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