you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
