did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Randomize
