You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
