Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
