My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
