cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
