You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
