I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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