I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I need moral support for this bender
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize