He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
