I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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