i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
FUCK WHALES
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
