I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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