when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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