Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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