I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Randomize
