The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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