I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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