Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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